17 September 2009

The perfect end to a perfect day

I am not having a good day. I mean, my problems are nothing in the grand scheme of things - many people have it much worse, and even many people I know have it much worse - and they're not even problems as much as 'things-I'm-having-trouble-dealing-with-right-now', but still. Not a good day. I missed out on a job opportunity (I heard about the job on Saturday and probably should have gone in Sunday or Monday, but didn’t, and today it was gone and I got looked at like a crazy person for even asking about it), I’m stressed about various things (including an unexpected casual communication from an ex-love-of-my-life on Monday – not necessarily stressful in itself, but definitely mentally and emotionally confusing), and my grandfather is 91 years old and in imminently failing health. I actually had to lock myself in a bathroom stall at the mall and cry because it was either that or cry in the middle of Market Square. And I don’t cry in public anymore, if I can possibly avoid it. [Actually, I don’t cry anymore if I can possibly avoid it. The last two months have been anomalous.] It’s been full-out tears today, too, not just the deep, shuddering, no-tears sobs that plagued me during the dissertation and concurrent romantic woes.

And then, on Skype, I get this:

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Hello [my name],

I have been in search of someone with this last name "[MY NAME]", so when I saw your name I was pushed to contact you and see how best we can assist each other. I am Mr. A. Opeyemi, a Banker here in GHANA. I believe it is the wish of God for me to come across you on skype now. I am having an important business discussion I wish to share with you which I believe will interest you because, it is in connection with your last name and you are going to benefit from it.

One Late Shafi C. [MY NAME], a citizen of your country had a fixed deposit with my bank in 2004 for 36 calendar months, valued at US$12,500,000.00 (Twelve Million, Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars) the due date for this deposit contract was the 16th of January 2007. Sadly Shafi was among the death victims in the May 26 2006 Earthquake disaster in Jawa, Indonesia that killed over 5,000 people. He was in Indonesia on a business trip and that was how he met his end. My bank management is yet to know about his death, I knew about it because he was my friend and I am his account officer. Shafi did not mention any Next of Kin/ Heir when the account was opened, and he Shafi was not married and no children. Last week my Bank Management requested that I should give instructions on what to do about his funds, if to renew the contract. I know this will happen and that is why I have been looking for a means to handle the situation, because if my Bank Directors happens to know that Shafi is dead and do not have any Heir, they will take the funds for their personal use, so I don't want such to happen. That was why when I saw your last name I was happy and I am now seeking your co-operation to present you as Next of Kin/ Heir to the account, since you have the same last name with him and my bank head quarters will release the account to you.

There is no risk involved; the transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you and I from any breach of law. It is better that we claim the money, than allowing the Bank Directors to take it, they are rich already. I am not a greedy person, so I am suggesting we share the funds equal, 50/50% to both parties, my share will assist me to start my own company which has been my dream.

Let me know your mind on this and please do treat this information as TOP SECRET and DO NOT respond to this on skype for same security reason. I have more to write you about the details once I receive your urgent response strictly through my personal Email address: [redacted] We can as well discuss this on phone: [redacted]

Have a nice day and God bless.

Anticipating your communication.

Seriously? Dude, if I had more mental energy right now, I’d try to do something like this.* But I don’t, so I won’t. Instead, I’ll just mock them and their obvious find-and-replace/mail-merge style, their TOP SECRET warning, their poor English (although it’s better than most), and the idea that the man died two and half years ago and it’s only now occurring to this guy to steal the money.

Also, I’m changing my Skype privacy settings – which I probably should have done ages ago seeing as I do get any number of random flirtations on Skype (note: starting a conversation with me, a stranger, with a beer stein icon is going to get you ignored and/or blocked immediately. My computer is not a bar, you don’t know me or you wouldn’t start a conversation in that way, go away and leave me alone) but I have had a couple of family members and friends randomly run across me on Skype in the past and I wanted to leave myself open for that. But no more. *shudder*

*even though that makes me miss the friend who introduced me to the site, and remember the circumstances in which he did so, which then makes me start crying again…

12 September 2009

Eighteen months to go.....

The dissertation has been turned in; I’m not completely happy with it, to the point where I almost want to apply for a PhD just to have the external motivation to make it better, but it has been turned in and there’s nothing I can do now but wait and hope that I haven’t disappointed my supervisor and second reader.

Today (September 12) marks eighteen months until my thirtieth birthday. In some notebook somewhere I have a list of ‘things I want to have accomplished before I turn 30’. I should find that list. I know one of the things on it is ‘make a decision about a PhD’….so I give myself eighteen months to decide. Another thing I know was on the list was ‘get the novel into publishable form’. So I have eighteen months to get that done, too. I can’t remember what else was on there, other than ‘be or have been in a long-term relationship’ which is not something I can control in the same way…

What else should be on my list?

06 September 2009

Another whiny dithering about the end of days

My facebook status right now reads, “Kendra must stop thinking about what could-have-been and focus on what was, and is.” This status is applicable to two different parts of my life right now: my love life (already discussed, at length, and I’m trying not to think about it too much) and my dissertation/academic life.

I realize, when I can think about it objectively, that yes, studying English literature is what makes me happiest, and that if I’d studied math or chemistry instead I would be having these same doubts, but about literature. And one of the reasons that I know this is my dissertation.

I have been reading about this topic (the role of musicians in Middle English poetry) continually since the end of May. I have been reading about it in general since the end of March, when I was writing my proposal, but it has been my main academic focus since the end of May. And I’m not tired of it yet.

There are still so many things that I want to research more and write more about: the symbolism of the harp in Sir Orfeo, the Christian explanations of the various texts, the background and specifics of Middle English romance and minstrel society, the responsibilities of good kings, Richard the Lionheart (and Richard Coeur de Lion), oral transmission and how that did or did not affect (or effect) the stories, and so on. I am not ready to be done with this dissertation. Not because I don’t think it’s ready (although it’s not, even though it has to be), but because I feel like there’s so much more I can do with the topic.

Is that a sign that I really should be pursuing a PhD? That I should start saving now, and work on writing and revising a research proposal? I would just like someone to tell me what to do, and where to start to do it. I clearly don’t have a sense in my own mind. The possibilities are too open for me: I could do anything (within reason) and therefore I can’t do anything.

04 September 2009

The end of days

You can tell that the end of my MA degree is approaching, and that I am starting to get nervous about what's next in my life by the growing appeal that the following things have for me:

1. Getting a PhD [It's not that expensive! It's just three more years! So....120,000 more dollars that I would be in debt!].
2. Moving back to the US [I wouldn't have to deal with visa stuff! It would be fine! I could find a job at a company that would send me back overseas and deal with the visas for me!]
3. Moving back to the US to get a PhD [see above....and then I could get a lecturing position over here somewhere!]
4. Joining a dating service to find a Brit who will marry me and keep me in the country forever.

Seriously. None of these things are valid options for me at this point. They're just ways of putting off what I really want to do.

Once I figure out what that is, of course. Other than 'stay in the UK forever'.

I have a Plan. I found out some things earlier today that make me question the feasibility of the Plan, but at the moment, it is a three-year Plan. Year One (this year): work doing whatever I can, to get UK school time, work experience, savings, and build up some income history, just in case. Year Two: Graduate Teacher Program (this is what is causing me some worry....I need to send out some emails next week). Year Three: NQT year. Or other work if necessary. Once the three-year Plan is complete, my sister will have enough experience (hopefully) that she will also be able to move to the UK and get a job, as will my best friend and her best friend. Then the four of us move to London and all get jobs there.

If the Year Two part of the Plan fails me, then I get another job, somehow, that either gives me enough income to stay in the country on a long-term work visa or sponsorship to stay in the country on a long-term work visa or whatever else I need to do to stay in the country on a long-term work visa.

And if not, then I join a dating service and meet a Brit who will marry me and keep me in the country forever.

01 September 2009

Poetry day!

In the hypothetical world in which I get married, one of the songs I will have at the reception is The Beatles’ Here, There and Everywhere off the Revolver album. I firmly believe that this is one of the most romantic songs of all time. (I don’t know what copyright restrictions there are about posting complete poems and lyrics and things, so I’m not going to risk it. I got the lyrics from here.)


Let’s start with the very first line:
To lead a better life, I need my love to be here
Now, I am not advocating obsessive and possessive behavior, but I do believe that having a happy relationship/being a happy person will help you lead a better life. It’s like the line from whatever movie: “You make me want to be a better man.” [As Good As It Gets? I don’t know, I just know the line from previews/commercials/etc.] Love should make you want to lead a better life; it should give you the emotional security to be able to do so.

A few lines later:
Nobody can deny that there’s something there.
True happiness is radiant. The best couples that I know have almost visible chemistry together. Friends and strangers alike look at them and know that they are, or should be, together.

Both of us thinking how good it could be.
The best couples that I know are partnerships. Both parts of the couple are invested in the relationship, and involved in the relationship to a similar level. If one person is more ‘in love’ than the other, the relationship is unbalanced, which doesn’t bode well. This line implies that the relationship in the song is equal. They’re both thinking how good it could be – the singer (he, from now on, because it’s The Beatles) isn’t just longing for someone he can’t have.

Same with the next line:
Someone is speaking but she doesn’t know he’s there.
This also shows the girl having an active part of the relationship – she’s just as interested in and captivated by the singer as he is by her. And I’ve totally been in that situation, where I’m with someone I’m interested in and completely forget that there are other people around. It’s a lovely feeling, especially when it’s mutual: when neither of you notice that you're surrounded by other people. *sigh*

Knowing that love is to share
Each one believing that love never dies

More proof that this is not a one-sided, unrequited relationship. This is a relationship that at least has the potential to last a lifetime. This is not a fling, where you expect it to end; this is an actual relationship with all the possibilities that involves.

Every line is like this; the lyrics are perfect. Almost every word either points to the equality of the relationship or the depth of their feelings. They show a couple that is equally dedicated to each other, not just unrequited infatuation like so many ‘romantic’ songs. And the melody is sweet and relatively simple. It’s soft and slow and singable. What better song to play at a (fictional) wedding reception, a celebration of love and partnership and the future?

31 August 2009

My weekend getaway

Saturday afternoon I went down to London for a brief weekend getaway. There were two plans for the weekend: see the production of Arcadia on Saturday night, and go salsa dancing on Sunday night. Everything else was incidental.

I got in uneventfully, checked into the hostel relatively uneventfully although there were some problems with the specifics of which bed I was in, and then went out for a shop/wander. My hostel was literally right up the street from the salsa club for Sunday night, so that worked out nicely for me.

I went to Waterstone’s Piccadilly, because it calms me and because I wanted to check prices on a few things and because what else am I going to do at 5:30 on a Saturday night in London? I restrained myself from buying any more books. I can’t buy any more books until I have an income of some kind. Then I bought some food from the Tesco Express at Trafalgar Square and sat on the grass outside the National Gallery and ate and read and people-watched. Trafalgar Square was packed – not only is the plinth project still going on – although I still find it more interesting as a web feed – but there were also some acrobatics/break-dancing/magic performances going on. There were also a few protests – I saw one guy in a Polska shirt making what I assume will be a YouTube video about the political situation in Iran, and there were some Falun Gong supporters handing out leaflets just past St. Martin-in-the-Fields. I felt a little bit guilty brushing them off, but one person can only care about a certain number of causes before exhausting themselves, and I’d rather support someone I actually know.

I wrote about the performance of Arcadia here. Suffice to say, it deserves every good word that it has gotten, and I have a few new actor crushes.

Back at the hostel, I remembered why I don’t look for hostels first when planning weekends like this one. You can’t beat the price, and when all you need is a bed for the night, it’s fine – but everyone is so young: they’re on a gap year, or just spontaneously travelling, and if they’re not a current student then they’re ‘actually a college grad!’ as one girl smugly said. I know I was the same way when I was 20, 21, 22, 23 – and to some extent still am. Doesn’t mean I can’t mock it when I see it.

I tried to sleep in Sunday morning, since I knew I would be staying up incredibly late. I made it to 9 o’clock, which is not really sleeping in when you don’t go to sleep until 1 or 2 am and are planning on staying up until 6. I had seen a poster on the Tube for an exhibit at the Wellcome Collection about ‘Exquisite Bodies’ – mostly anatomical models: it looked interesting, and I’d never been, so I decided to see if I could find it. The Wellcome Collection is near Euston, so it wasn’t a horribly long walk (I was staying near King’s Cross), and I picked up some food at the train station to have for lunch. The museum was fantastic. The special exhibit was indeed full of anatomical models, quite a lot of which featured pregnancy which reinforced my “ADOPTION!!!!” belief. The rest of the museum was also quite interesting – exhibits from Wellcome’s own collection, one case of which made me want to research and write about death rituals across cultures/time periods. Somehow I wasn’t quite as fascinated by the collection of amputation saws and obstetrical forceps. Then there was a section on different aspects of research that they do – I found the genome stuff quite interesting, malaria less so, but that’s just my personal interests and research. Each section – there were four, I think? Human Genome Project, malaria, obesity, and the body/health – had an area of artistic representation (sculpture, painting, writing, etc.) connected to it. There was one print in the genome section called Twenty Three Pairs by an artist called Andrea Duncan, where she represented the 23 human chromosomes as socks, which I thought was very cool, and a poem in that same section called “To John Donne” that I liked a lot as well. (I should do a Poetry Day again….any suggestions?) Anyway, the point is that if you want a different museum to go to in London – not that there’s any lack of them – The Wellcome Collection is very cool and well-done. Interactive parts that aren’t just for children, as well, which is nice…..

Then I ate my lunch in Green Park and tried to decide what to do next. I ended up walking around the shopping areas, including a browse through Carnaby Street and a return to Waterstone’s Piccadilly where I unexpectedly found out what my absolutely least favourite teacher of all time is doing now. At this point it was mid-afternoon, and I still had several hours before I was meeting people for dancing, so I went to the V&A – my original thought was to go to one of the Proms Concert Music series, but I didn’t want to spend more money than I had to and didn’t want to have to deal with a schedule and whatnot. I may come down some other time in the next few weeks specifically to do one of the Proms. So I went to the V&A instead, and admired the plaster casts of the Plantaganet tombs. Fontevrault is so on my list-of-places-to-visit someday.

There’s not a lot else to do on a Sunday afternoon for an hour or so before meeting people, especially when you’re wandering by yourself, so I went back to the hostel and packed up my stuff and put it in a place that I could grab it easily when I came back in the morning (a good thing as it turned out, since due to the aforementioned confusion over beds, when I came back this morning there was someone sleeping in the bed that I would have collapsed on. But as it was 7am already, and my stuff was all ready to go, I didn’t care so much). Then I wandered through the Russell Square area, talked to my sister (and drained my cellphone battery, oops), and reminisced about early visits to London.

Met my fellow dancers with no major problems, and went to a weekly salsa event that, as it turns out, is at the hotel that we stayed at one of the first times we were in London. Danced, danced, danced….then went to find food which is not easy to do at 10:30 on a Sunday night. We ended up getting a takeaway and eating it in the waiting area of King’s Cross. We also did some impromptu salsa and rueda in the waiting area of King’s Cross, to the amusement of the night staff and people waiting for the last trains. Finally – after about two hours of eating, everyone else drinking and trying to find ways to put off going to the big salsa club, we made it to our – well, my – main destination. Where we stayed until 6 am. There was never a point where I wanted a dance and had to go more than a song to be asked to dance. But, then, some of the fun for me at major salsa events is watching everyone else and admiring how good they are. But still – lots of dancing, lots of new people whose names I’m either never going to remember or never knew in the first place (and a very few for whom that is a Good Thing – my creepy-guy-repellent WAS NOT WORKING. Grinding is not salsa. Grabbing my arse is not an appropriate salsa hold. And kissing my ear before you’ve even made eye contact, without saying a word, IS NEVER OKAY. SHUDDER.) But anyway, I got lots of good dances, some with people that I knew and most with people that I didn’t, and the only dark spot (other than the creepy guys) was the total vanishing of the friend that we’d gone there to meet, sometime during the last song. I hate incomplete evenings like that, without even a chance to say goodbye.

The crew of us that had gone together then went to McDonald’s to fortify for the rest of the day – they were all going to Notting Hill Carnival, but I knew that I would just freak out if I went, so I instead caught the first train back to Nottingham (thank goodness for bank holidays and no off-peak restrictions) where I came home, charged my phone, checked facebook, and slept for a whole three hours. I’m surprised I’m not more tired now, actually. I think I may be able to make it to midnight fairly coherently.

And then it’s back to work for me. I only have a week to whip the dissertation into shape, but after the getaway it’s all seeming more manageable.

27 August 2009

Fear of Commitment, continued

"Calling All Cynics"

This is, I feel, a good definition of skeptic, cynic, and pessimist. It’s like the definition I heard or read once for introvert vs. extrovert – I can’t remember where I heard or read it, but I have completely adopted it – where an extrovert is someone who recharges by being around other people and an introvert recharges by being alone. With that definition, I am definitely an introvert. I need to be around other people sometimes, or I go stir-crazy, but being around especially large groups of people definitely drains me.

I feel the same way about the definitions given here, especially when it comes to me and love. I think I’m somewhere between a skeptic and a cynic. I trusted, and was betrayed/let down, and it was devastating. I was devastated. By that criteria, I’m a cynic. But I don’t think that I refuse to trust now. I am reluctant to trust, definitely, but I don’t think I completely refuse to trust. There are people I have met recently that I trust.

But then I think about how I was with my last ‘boyfriend’ – I was and am still totally crazy about him, and wish we hadn’t had to end things, and am going to miss him terribly when he finally leaves town. But I deliberately told myself I wasn’t going to fall in love with him. I wouldn’t let myself – even in my own head – use those terms. I like him a lot, and there’s no one else I’d rather spend time with right now, and talking to him in any form makes me happy, and seeing him (especially dance) with other women makes me insanely jealous to the point where I feel physically ill. But I won’t let myself, even in the privacy of my own head, say that I’m in love with him. Whenever I started coming close to that idea, I would remind myself of the reasons that it would never work long-term, or I would force myself into an emotional or communication distance – deliberately so that I wouldn’t get too close to him and fall in love. So, yeah, I suppose that, with him, I refuse to trust. I suppose that I am, when it comes to relationships, a cynic.

This also plays into my previous post about what-ifs. What if I’d let myself get closer to him and fall in love with him – or admit it, at least – and just let myself go all-out emotionally, the way I did with CD? Would things be different now? Would we have been willing to at least attempt a long-distance relationship? Or would I just be devastated again, and have lost him from my life completely? Obviously, there’s no way of knowing, but I can’t stop myself from dwelling on it.

It’s like the article says, “Deep inside all skeptics and most cynics is a deep ache to trust again, but to do so without the fear of being let down, disappointed, betrayed or devastated.” I doubt that he reads this blog, or even knows that it exists, but I almost wish that he did. I wish I could say these things to him, but I can’t. I don’t trust him – or really myself – enough to think that it would make a difference. The cynic in me can’t believe that it would make any difference. Even though deep inside I want to be proven wrong, I want to have that chance, I can’t and won’t let myself take that emotional risk. And I will be stuck with these what-ifs forever.